One year ago on this day I met you. I can only try to describe what it felt like to see you for the first time. I was on cloud nine before I even got to see you or hold you. I remember craning my neck to get a peek at you in the baby warmer after you were born. You captured my heart and have had a hold on it for 365 days. I don't want to get ahead of myself though....there is still more of the story to tell.
The diapers were organized, the clothes were washed and folded and put away, the carseat was installed, the hospital bag was packed, the "going home" outfit was picked out and we had been practicing our breathing techniques. We were offiically ready for you. Ok, let me back up and be completely honest....we did not practice our breathing. "Hee hee hooooo." Although we were both very anxious about when you might arrive we were relaxing as much as we could while we still had the chance. My due date was creeping up and I could rest at ease knowing that everything was ready. I had what turned out to be my last doctor's visit at 36 weeks. I had high, high hopes of having made progress at that point. I had convinced myself from the beginning of the pregnancy that I was going to have you two weeks early....so I was hoping to hear the doc say I'd made some progress with the mini contractions I'd been having over the last couple weeks. Turns out I heard the exact words I'd been expecting....."looks like you are dilated to a 3 already. You could have this baby at anytime." I. WAS. PUMPED. I immediately called your daddy to tell him the good news. I returned to work that day to share the good news. After talking to the girls my bubble started to slowly leak and by the end of the day my bubble had deflated....the pessimistic side of me had conivnced myself that being at a "3" didn't mean anything at all. For the next week I continued to work and go about my business. I spent evenings lying on the couch with the heating pad on my back hoping that it would relieve those horrible back spasms I was having. Monday of the next week rolled around and I had a light day at work, got home early and found some extra energy to make some dinner. Spaghetti to be exact. I would later regret this decision. I happened to be starving since I was craving pasta so I scarfed it down pretty quickly. Your dad of course responded the way he usually does when he sees that I've made spaghetti..."spaghetti again????" Yep, what a pregnant girl wants, a pregnant girl gets. Why all this talk about what we ate for dinner? Well, you will see later. I stayed up a little late because I was going to be able to sleep in a bit since I had a doctor's appointment that morning before work. I wandered to bed around 10:30 feeling just dandy and awoke 45 minutes later because you were having a party on my bladder. This is the part where things get a little bit interesting. Right when I walked into the bathroom I had a little "accident"....or so I thought. I literally thought I had peed on the floor. Never did I stop and think it could have been my water breaking. It was just a little bit of fluid...I guess it would have been less humbling to think my water had broken because peeing on the floor was a tad bit embarrassing even if I was the only person who had to know about it. :) I went back to bed after my "accident" and closed my eyes hoping for some sleep.
You had other plans though. About five minutes after lying back down I was introduced to the most startling pain I'd ever encountered. OUCH!!! What is happening!? Oh yeah, I'm having a baby. My heart rate immediately shot through the roof at the thought of it actually happening. 50% excitement, 49% terror and 1% OMG I look horrible right now and don't want to leave the house. I waited to see what would happen with these new pains. They didn't go away. The first one lasted about sixty seconds and slowly faded away. The second came about seven minutes later and was even worse than the first. This one had me poking your daddy in the back with my elbow...."babe, I think I'm having real contractions." He reacted just how I'd imagined he would if it happened in the middle of the night. He mumbled in his sleep and rolled back over. "Um, hello, did you hear me?!" Once he finally woke up I could tell he took me seriously because he did exactly what we'd been taught in class...."ok, have you timed your contractions?" What a good student. :) We decided that I would try to go to sleep and let him know if they were too painful to sleep. Um, yeah they were too painful to sleep! Too painful to think! I told your daddy I'd be in the living room because there was no way I was sleeping that night. I went in and sat in the living room hunched over counting the seconds of each contractions. Six minutes apart. This is when my mind started racing..."what were the rules again? How far apart are they when I call the hospital?" My mind had gone blank so I found the instruction card the doc had given me and clutched it tight. I texted Aunt B to let her know what was going on...she was awake just as I'd thought. Since your daddy was off in dream land I had to tell someone! I called Aunt B to have someone to talk to and of course she was wondering if she needed to head to the city. In the middle of our conversation another contraction came...five minutes apart. Eeeeek! I kept thinking "there's no way these are progressing this quickly, this is all happening too fast." All of this has happened over a 90 minute period. Five minutes apart! This is when I realized that we would probably be having this baby sometime in the next day. This is when I had the grand idea of jumping in the shower, washing my hair, applying new makeup and fixing my hair. Yes baby girl, this was my plan all along. I couldn't be looking bad for our first family picture. The nurse would later on scold me for taking a shower after my water had broken...well Mrs. Nurse I still had no idea that it had broken. Lol! I was sitting on the couhc deep breathing with my bag around my arm and the instruction sheet in my hand. Four minutes apart. At this point your daddy was up and dressed and groggily listening to me call the nurse at the hospital. They told me to go ahead and come up there although she sounded like she thought I was exagerrating. No maam, I'm not exagerrating. The fifteen minute ride brought about three contractions that made me glad I had an overhead handle to hold onto so that I didn't hit your daddy because of the pain. We got into an observation room and hooked up to a monitor. The nurse seemed to be taking forever to check and see how much I was dilated, as if she still didn't think this was for real. Your dad was taking pictures of me and talking way too much...I needed silence it turned out. ;) After doing a quick exam the nurse told us that I was dilated to a 5 and my water was slightly broken and was leaking. Woohoo!!! I could only celebrate the fact that you were definitely on your way for a few seconds because the next contraction had started. After it was finished they moved me to a real labor and delivery room and soon had me hooked up to all of the monitors and inserted an IV. OUCH!!! Suprisingly I had overcome my biggest fear by that point. It wasn't as bad as I'd imagined but nothing pleasant. At this point it was 2:30 a.m. I can specifically remember having to fill out paper work and answer question after question while watching contractions ramp up on the screen in front of me. ARGH!!! I remember thinking "can you please just bother me after this baby arrives?!"
Probably wondering what I had gotten myself into right at this moment
Nurses were in and out checking on me and seeing if I was progressing. Our nurse Whitney was spectacular. She was so calming and friendly and kept us laughing despite being very anxious about everything happening so quickly. About two hours in I was dilated to a seven. Your daddy stood by me and held my hand, God bless him, each time a contraction ramped up. He watched the screen to tell me when it was over. He was on his best behavior doing everything he'd learned in class: choosing his words wisely, calling family members and taking pictures and video of the room. With each new pain I kept thinking "I can do this, I can do this without an epidural." After spending about an hour saying this I couldn't take it anymore. Call me a wimp, but I gave in. At that point is when I asked for the feel good stuff. Epidural man, can you please wake up from your slumber and come help me out? They called in the anesthesiologist and he was there within fifteen minutes...now that's service! The moments leading up to that weren't so peachy though. This is the part where I realized that a huge bowl of spaghetti wasn't settling well with my tummy. I layed there praying for the nausea to retreat but had to end up calling your dad over with a trashcan. Yuck!! That was actually one of my goals...DON'T GET SICK. Well, I did. It didn't last long and before I knew it the drug dude was waltzing through the door with his Star Wars cap on. He set up his tools and within minutes (all the while being filmed by your daddy) I was a new woman. No pain. None whatsoever. I sat back and took in my surroundings for the first time since we'd been in the room.
I was able to relax my body and my stomach and took a nap for about an hour. You could have been sawing off my leg with a dull knife and I would have been singing a lullaby and smiling. Your dad and I used this time to have a chat about what was about to happen. He was so amazing through this entire process.....
My coach
The nurse came in and told us I was dilated to an eight and she needed to break my water fully. I was blissfully unaware as she broke the amniontic sac that you were swimming in. That's when things kicked into high gear. I had to be put on oxygen because your little heartrate started to drop randomly. I kept my cool until three nurses rushed in at once and started grabbing for the monitors on my belly, telling me to roll over and turning up my oxygen. This is when I came out of my sleepy state and realized something wasn't right. It didn't take long and your heartrate was back up again. I felt very safe in the hands of these nurses so I wasn't too hyped up about what was going on. I'm sure the epidural had a lot to do with that though. She called Dr. E to see if she was coming in to deliver or if they needed to call the on-call doc. Dr. E told them she was on her way and to start me on pitocin (it was around 6:30). They had orders to have me start practicing my pushing when I got to a nine. The 'p' word....OMG. Pretty soon I hit a nine and the nurse and Riley gathered round and got me ready to push. The only way I can describe this is "preliminary pushing." I watched your heartrate in between pushes and nervously watched your dad's face to see what was going on. We couldn't keep our heartrate up and steady. Of course I had thought about the possibility of having to undergo a c-section. The doc showed up after I'd been pushing for about thirty minutes. She did one quick check and realized that you were sunny side up. Your face was up when it should've been down so you were having a hard time moving down. She decided that I needed some rest so they positioned me on my side and left me in a dark quiet room. But I wasn't about to relax...no way! I was too excited because Aunt B, Grammy and Gman had just arrived! Yay!! I so badly wanted them to make it in time. Poor Gman, he was so tired. Well actually they were all tired. After all ,they had been woken up by Riley at 3:00 a.m. and waited on standby until they finally headed to OKC around 5:30 a.m. They piled in and had to hear about what had been going on. I'm so glad they were there for moral support. Not only did I have the best birth coach in town but now I had my family waiting in the waiting room in suspense.
High five from Gman
Mom and her girls
It was finally time to start pushing again. I had been praying like crazy that you would be able to flip over and come naturally. Dr. E and Whitney helped me time my pushing and your daddy counted for me..."1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 10. Deep breath. " All the working out in the world could not have prepared me for the exhaustion of pushing. Every muscle in my body was being used to meet you as soon as I could. Dr. E tried to manually flip you over but this didn't work. Just when we were about to exhaust the natural method you flipped at the last minute and made your arrival at 8:31 a.m. Nine short hours after starting labor you were in the room with us...just not on my chest like I'd imagined. You didn't come out looking too spiffy and Dr. E. had the nurses rush you to the warmer and start working on getting your to breath better. I have no idea what was happening over there so I was blissfully unaware that you were not as healthy and pink as you should have been. I was in heaven dreaming about seeing your face in a few short minutes. I kept asking repeatedly "who does she look like?", "Is she okay", "Does she have hair?" Finally I heard your tiny little voice. I guess it wasn't so tiny. It sounded more like a roaring lion making it's presence known. Honey, your presence was known, trust me. And nothing has changed since then. ;)
Welcome to the world Hallie Grace Fanning
Happy little family
In Grammy's arms
Gman meets Hallie
Aunt B was in heaven
After you met all of the fam waiting so patiently for your arrival it was time to return to mama's arms. I didn't want to let you go but word was that it was bathtime to get you cleaned up and smelling all nice and pretty. You had other plans in mind though....
"When's breakfast ma?"
Sadly for you it was bathtime before breakfast time. Your dad got to sneak in for pics and came back flashing photos of your striking blonde hair. Wow!!! My little blondie!
A drastic difference now...you LOVE your baths!
Resting after your bath
Right after a bath you greeted our Woodward family when they arrived to meet you! You were napping nearly the whole time and snuggled with everyone. Nanny was dying to get her hands on you as soon as she hurried in...
Meeting Nanny
Snuggling with Aunt Ky
Papa meets Hallie
Dr. McDreamy came to check on you mid-morning and gave you a clean bill of health. He actually used the word "perfect" but I kinda already thought that all two hours that I'd known you.
Checking out her "perfect" baby
All of the clothes I had packed for you were obviously way too large for such a petite little girl so we tried out some onesies that Grammy had brought with her. They were too big as well but they had to do for the time being....
Just a tad bit big
After you got settled back in my arms and we practiced feeding, the nurse came in to tell us that I'd be moved to a smaller room and that my epidural should have worn off enough that I could walk to the new room. By this time Grammy and Gman had gone back home to head off to work and Aunt B stayed behind to spend the day with me. Daddy, Papa and Aunt Ky went out to lunch nearby. They offered to bring something back but honestly food was the absolute last thing on my mind. Nanny and Aunt B helped me get my things in order and the nurse helped me out of bed. Boy was that a rather interesting experience. A little lot uncomfortable and awkward but I made it down the hallway to our new room....our new tiny room. I had been spoiled by thinking we'd be in the big suite. Once we got settled in our new room the visitors started to roll in.....
BJ and Kim stopped by to meet you
Matt and Amy (and cousin Aaron on the way)
Great aunt Alta saw your awake side
Cuddling with cousin Kara
Auntie Heather made it!
Meeting your sweet great aunt Lisa
Dara was more excited than words can say
Uncle Spencer was a natural baby holder
Melting Aunt Katie's heart
You woke up very little, usually only to have a quick snack. These were little snacks mind you because I wasn't making much to snack on at that point. Sorry bout that girl. :) We enjoyed swaddling you in your many pretty little blankets and just staring at you while you slept....
That night after family left your daddy swaddled you up and wheeled you to the nursery for a night with the nurses. This was not my decision but the nurses insisted that I use them while I could...and I'm glad I did. Your daddy slept on the chair and I curled up on the rock hard bed for my first night with a baby. The nurses brought you in to eat every four hours. It was actually exciting to hear them wheeling you in and I was ecstatic all over again when they handed my sweet girl to me. I was feeling insecure about how feedings were going but the nurses assured me that everything was fine....and they were right....we all know you are great at eating! Speaking of eating, I still did not even want to look at food. Good thing they brought a HUGE breakfast each morning to spread food smells throughout the room....
Dr. McDreamy made his rounds again that afternoon and put me into mommy panic mode. While he was listening to your heart he told us he noticed a slight murmur....eeeeeeek! He also noticed a slight orangy tint and told us you were slightly jaundice. He told us it was nothing to freak out about and that he would expect the murmer to have cleared up by the next morning. He said don't worry....so I worried. All. Day. Long. But not so much that I didn't soak up every moment with you in my arms. You were proving to be a very quiet sweet girl. Not many demands out of you, no sirree. Sleep. Eat. Cuddle.
Grammy and Gman couldn't resist you and drove up to see you on your second day. They were still tired from the day before but by gosh they needed their Hallie time....
The rest of the day was spent cuddling with daddy and taking naps in the chair with him while I cuddled with you during feedings and talked on the phone for what seemed like all day telling everyone all about you.....
Like father, like daughter
We decided to head to bed a little bit early so daddy put his swaddling skills to work again and I navigated my way out of bed. I decided to walk you down with him that night. He had me cracking up at how you looked. Your little feet were sticking out of the bottom of the blanket....
After a long second day anxious to take you home we were thrilled come Thursday morning when it was time to be discharged from the hospital. The nurses and doctors were super quick about making their rounds and clearing us to leave. Your dad became a swaddling fool and took charge that morning. He put your going home outfit on (thanks to Aunt Katie you had a premie outfit that fit just right) and got you all ready to go.....
So precise
We waited not so patiently for Dr. McDreamy to come and take a listen to your ticker again. It was a huge relief to hear him say that your heart sounded perfect and you were ready to go home. He wanted to see you Friday morning since the weekend was coming up and he wanted to make sure you were doing okay the next day. He also told us to start supplementing with formula using a small dropper while breastfeeding in order to keep your weight up which had now dropped to 6lb 5oz. We attempted this whole formula syringe thingy and it was a debacle. Nobody enjoyed this process and believe it or not it took all three of us to make this process work. We set off on our journey home with our baby girl all dressed in pink with a bow atop your head.....
Once the nurses checked the carseat it was clear that your daddy and I were idiots. We had done it all wrong....and we watched while they fixed it for us and gave us carseat lessons. Oops! I did stop and think for a minute if we were actually capable of taking your tiny self home and keeping you thriving. I guess we've done a pretty good job so far. ;) I rode in the back on the way home with you to make sure you were okay....
Once we got home I slowly got out of the car and went inside to round us the doggies. Riley had taken a blanket home with your scent on it for them to smell the day before. Daddy carried you in and layed you on the ottoman. Emmi immediately jumped up and sniffed your whole body from head to toe. Lucy wanted nothing to do with you. At least we knew that neither of them were going to attack you. Be jealous? Yes. But attack? No.
We spent the day figuring out what life would be like with a child at home. I spent my day dreaming of all the time we were going to get to spend together over the next three months that I'd be home with you. Our lives changed forever that day. I sometimes try to think of what our days were like before you...but I just can't seem to remember. You are the center of our world and a light in the dark.
Love you,
Mama
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