Smiling Through the Tears

Dear Momma,

I feel compelled to write you a letter. I have a lot to say. A LOT. I mean like A LOT A LOT! My thoughts may seem scattered but can ya blame me? As I've spent many a minute thinking of you this past year I have piled up so many questions that I want to ask you. How often do you watch us down here on earth? Have you been running up there? Do you walk the streets of gold? How often do you get to see the big man? Who do you spend your time with? Do you sleep? Do you laugh at Hallie Grace? She's amazing but I'm sure you already know that better than I do. Silly questions they may seem but I am just a curious daughter. You know me, always needing to know every detail. Guess what? Nothing has changed. I miss being your pain in the butt daughter. I miss driving you crazy. I miss worrying about you. I miss shopping with you. I miss eating a family meal at home. I miss bugging you. I miss calling you. I miss hugging you. I've been replaying some of your favorite music over and over lately. Chicago was always your favorite. But darn those songs, they always make me cry. There have been days this year that I literally felt like I couldn't get out of bed. Days when I felt like lashing out at everyone I saw. Moments when I thought I was actually going crazy (you would say I've always been like that, haha momma). Had it not been for that favorite pint-sized girl of yours I think I'd be singing a different tune today. She has been a double blessing.

A year without your laugh seemed like a century. I can't look at a comic strip without having a twinge of sadness. I bet you read comics all day long up there though. Silly me. Hallie has been doing her best at filling our house with laughter to make up for the void. I'm going to be incredibly honest when I say that our family went a little haywire this year. I've been trying to remind myself that you would've told me to be patient and wait for peace. Up until yesterday I've felt like a maniac. A weary, tired, depressed, sad, stressed, frustrated and overwhelmed person. I felt like I was running on a treadmill but never actually getting anywhere. As February began to creep up this year I suddenly felt these feelings multiply threefold. It was as if I couldn't control my emotions at all. I very often wonder how those around me tolerated me this past year. I began to greatly dislike the person I'd become. I have no idea how to describe what has happened over the past couple of days. The only words I have are devine intervention. The dread I've been feeling and all of the hurt and pain just disappeared. The memories are there and so are my thoughts of you.....but the horrible flashbacks and stinging pain just vanished. I keep telling myself not to act so surprised about it. After all, I've been talking to you and praying about this for awhile now. I've been waiting for a change. Waiting for relief. Just when I needed it the most I was overcome with peace and happiness....

....every single day since the day I said goodbye I had as least one moment during the day where my mind would wander and I was forced to relive the day we lost you. Sometimes it was that entire day in fast forward or just the very moment you went to heaven...but at least part of that day would run in my head like a movie. The most common trigger was driving down Hwy 270. That darned highway that we flew down through the rain with tears streaming down my face and nonstop panic. I have re-lived our last conversation about a billion times....I pictured myself in the passenger seat with the phone held tightly to my ear trying to hear your tiny voice. Repeating "I love you, I love you momma"...I couldn't stop saying it as if it would stop what was about to happen. Sometimes these memories were blurry and other days it felt like I was in your hospital room again. I could hear the sounds and see everyone's face. You want to know one of the things that it always present in these memories? Our family. I'm never alone in them. They are always standing there with me.....

....today as I set out to take on the work day I thought of you. I thought of you the moment my alarm went off this morning. I thought of you while I put on my scrubs and tied me shoes. I made a mental note to work hard like you would have today. I challenged myself to make you extra proud today. Whether I did or not is a different story. ;) My first half of the day was spent in the Seiling area which meant I had to drive down that darned Hwy 270 again. That's when my thoughts usually kick into overdrive. I found myself on a dirt road that I was on last year on February 22nd. I was headed south toward the highway when dad called to tell me that you had just passed out in your dinner plate and lost consciousness. The medical staff had to rush in and tend to you. He described how your face had turned purple and your head just fell. I wanted to throw up as he relayed this information to me. I wanted to drive as fast as I could toward you. I wanted to get off of that stupid dirt road that led me in the opposite direction....

....I smiled while I drove today. The movie that usually plays on repeat in my head was distant. I didn't get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It may have just been the grace of God with me today that helped me get through it with grace, very few tears and happy memories.....but I can't help but hope that you and God continue to help me beat this monster known as grief like you did yesterday and today. Oh and if I could put in an extra special request for Bay and Dad as well that would be great.

How is it that I could be happy on a day like today? I can't explain it. But I'm so thankful that it brings me to tears just writing about it. Is it possible that you can still do your "mom things" from heaven? Like give me a hug when I've had a bad day (or year), tell me things are going to be alright (eventually) and give me that 'feel good' feeling that only moms can provide.....after today I'm convinced that that's the case.

I've still got lots of sorting out to do. I still have to figure out how to get through very rough days without having jealous feelings of others who have the shoulder of a mom to lean on. I'm still trying to figure out how to raise a daughter without a mom to call for advice. I'm still trying to figure out how to be a supportive daughter to dad and how to be a person that Bailey can always rely on. While I'm down here livin' on Hallie time I won't forget the promise I have to be livin' on God's time with you someday.

It's not goodbye...just see ya later. I love you.
Love,
Ash