Smiling Through the Tears

Dear Momma,

I feel compelled to write you a letter. I have a lot to say. A LOT. I mean like A LOT A LOT! My thoughts may seem scattered but can ya blame me? As I've spent many a minute thinking of you this past year I have piled up so many questions that I want to ask you. How often do you watch us down here on earth? Have you been running up there? Do you walk the streets of gold? How often do you get to see the big man? Who do you spend your time with? Do you sleep? Do you laugh at Hallie Grace? She's amazing but I'm sure you already know that better than I do. Silly questions they may seem but I am just a curious daughter. You know me, always needing to know every detail. Guess what? Nothing has changed. I miss being your pain in the butt daughter. I miss driving you crazy. I miss worrying about you. I miss shopping with you. I miss eating a family meal at home. I miss bugging you. I miss calling you. I miss hugging you. I've been replaying some of your favorite music over and over lately. Chicago was always your favorite. But darn those songs, they always make me cry. There have been days this year that I literally felt like I couldn't get out of bed. Days when I felt like lashing out at everyone I saw. Moments when I thought I was actually going crazy (you would say I've always been like that, haha momma). Had it not been for that favorite pint-sized girl of yours I think I'd be singing a different tune today. She has been a double blessing.

A year without your laugh seemed like a century. I can't look at a comic strip without having a twinge of sadness. I bet you read comics all day long up there though. Silly me. Hallie has been doing her best at filling our house with laughter to make up for the void. I'm going to be incredibly honest when I say that our family went a little haywire this year. I've been trying to remind myself that you would've told me to be patient and wait for peace. Up until yesterday I've felt like a maniac. A weary, tired, depressed, sad, stressed, frustrated and overwhelmed person. I felt like I was running on a treadmill but never actually getting anywhere. As February began to creep up this year I suddenly felt these feelings multiply threefold. It was as if I couldn't control my emotions at all. I very often wonder how those around me tolerated me this past year. I began to greatly dislike the person I'd become. I have no idea how to describe what has happened over the past couple of days. The only words I have are devine intervention. The dread I've been feeling and all of the hurt and pain just disappeared. The memories are there and so are my thoughts of you.....but the horrible flashbacks and stinging pain just vanished. I keep telling myself not to act so surprised about it. After all, I've been talking to you and praying about this for awhile now. I've been waiting for a change. Waiting for relief. Just when I needed it the most I was overcome with peace and happiness....

....every single day since the day I said goodbye I had as least one moment during the day where my mind would wander and I was forced to relive the day we lost you. Sometimes it was that entire day in fast forward or just the very moment you went to heaven...but at least part of that day would run in my head like a movie. The most common trigger was driving down Hwy 270. That darned highway that we flew down through the rain with tears streaming down my face and nonstop panic. I have re-lived our last conversation about a billion times....I pictured myself in the passenger seat with the phone held tightly to my ear trying to hear your tiny voice. Repeating "I love you, I love you momma"...I couldn't stop saying it as if it would stop what was about to happen. Sometimes these memories were blurry and other days it felt like I was in your hospital room again. I could hear the sounds and see everyone's face. You want to know one of the things that it always present in these memories? Our family. I'm never alone in them. They are always standing there with me.....

....today as I set out to take on the work day I thought of you. I thought of you the moment my alarm went off this morning. I thought of you while I put on my scrubs and tied me shoes. I made a mental note to work hard like you would have today. I challenged myself to make you extra proud today. Whether I did or not is a different story. ;) My first half of the day was spent in the Seiling area which meant I had to drive down that darned Hwy 270 again. That's when my thoughts usually kick into overdrive. I found myself on a dirt road that I was on last year on February 22nd. I was headed south toward the highway when dad called to tell me that you had just passed out in your dinner plate and lost consciousness. The medical staff had to rush in and tend to you. He described how your face had turned purple and your head just fell. I wanted to throw up as he relayed this information to me. I wanted to drive as fast as I could toward you. I wanted to get off of that stupid dirt road that led me in the opposite direction....

....I smiled while I drove today. The movie that usually plays on repeat in my head was distant. I didn't get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It may have just been the grace of God with me today that helped me get through it with grace, very few tears and happy memories.....but I can't help but hope that you and God continue to help me beat this monster known as grief like you did yesterday and today. Oh and if I could put in an extra special request for Bay and Dad as well that would be great.

How is it that I could be happy on a day like today? I can't explain it. But I'm so thankful that it brings me to tears just writing about it. Is it possible that you can still do your "mom things" from heaven? Like give me a hug when I've had a bad day (or year), tell me things are going to be alright (eventually) and give me that 'feel good' feeling that only moms can provide.....after today I'm convinced that that's the case.

I've still got lots of sorting out to do. I still have to figure out how to get through very rough days without having jealous feelings of others who have the shoulder of a mom to lean on. I'm still trying to figure out how to raise a daughter without a mom to call for advice. I'm still trying to figure out how to be a supportive daughter to dad and how to be a person that Bailey can always rely on. While I'm down here livin' on Hallie time I won't forget the promise I have to be livin' on God's time with you someday.

It's not goodbye...just see ya later. I love you.
Love,
Ash

No Love for McDreamy

The day finally came. After a year and a half of fluttering her eyelashes at Dr. McDreamy she chose to end things. This was news to me as she hadn't shared her decision with me prior to getting into his office. And she didn't even break the news gently to him. Here I am getting ahead of myself again. Stay tuned for their break up drama down below......

First things first. She knew she had a decision to make. Her date with McDreamy was quickly approaching and she wanted to be mentally and physically prepared. After spending much time at daycare around boys her own age she has been questioning her crush on her beloved pediatrician lately. With all of these life altering decisions being made a good solid night's sleep was a must to prepare for the big day.....

A certain little lady was up bright and early with a fresh new perspective on life and ready to take on the day.....

"I feel confident that this is the right decision for where my life is headed..."

She didn't wake up by choice though...more like forced to wake up by the sound of our insanely loud back door lock Tuesday morning. I was forced out of bed as well by my silly alarm clock. Yesterday was a not-so-day-off kinda day off. I found myself up at 6:00 getting ready to go see a couple patients before we left for OKC. I had planned to get myself ready for the day and get the dogs loaded up and to the groomers without waking my loves but that wasn't the case. She heard me milling around and requested my presence in her room. I was happy to find a sweet little angel waiting for me in the crib. I loaded up the two hairy dogs and one snuggly, tired baby and we headed out a little after dawn. The babe went to Nanny's for the morning while the dogs got dropped off at the torture chamber for the entire day. I did my work duties and Hallie and I were on the road by 10:45.

We had a girl's day ahead of us with no real plans besides the doc appointment of course. We were loving the sunshine shining on us through the car window and all was well. Very uncharacteristic for a car ride with Hallie and for that I was feeling very lucky. It must've been the great supply of quality DVD selections she had to choose from......

Toy Story won!

She watched her movie while wiggling and squirming for a good hour and napped for the second hour. That left us with thirty more minutes to get to our destination. It wasn't the worst ride but it certainly wasn't the best. We were both beyond ready to get out of the car by the time we pulled into Panera around 1:00. I just love our little lunch dates. Panera is always a must-stop for me but it's also somewhat of a safe place to take a child. Well, kind of.Just as we found a seat and sat down to dig in.....

"Mom, my tummy is doing something funky"

....lunch seemed to be the best place to go to the bathroom not once, not twice, BUT three times. This was not the handiest situation since I had only brought one diaper in with us. Then after our trip out to the car I only brought one in to change her. So after two extra trips out to the car and three trips to the bathroom we found ourselves dining on two bowls of cold mac and cheese.

"We're gonna need some more of these...."

Now that I think about it, it's easy to see that her tummy was churning because of her impending meeting with her beloved McDreamy. Duh mom, so obvious. We had just enough time to get across town to his office and I had her undressed and ready for her big weigh-in right at 2:00. As always here is the customary post-scale diaper shot while waiting for the doc to arrive......

"I can't break up with him while I'm naked. Get me some pants at least to keep my dignity intact"

We only had to wait a couple minutes before he came walking through the door. Dun dun dun. He flashed his pearly white teeth and gave her a huge smile along with a big hello. This is when I figured out what was about to happen. She turned her back to him and requested to jump in my lap. He came closer to her, commented on her choice of footwear and grabbed her chubby little hand. She pulled it away with disgust and turned her head. Whoa. Talk about the cold shoulder. All joking aside, he had warned me during her last visit that kids usually respond very differently during their 15 and 18 month checkups. She was smitten as ever during her 15 month visit so I hadn't even given it a second thought about her actually being scared of him. Scared she was. She did not want that cold round thingy touching her belly. She did not want that pointy black thingy poking in her ears. And she certainly didn't want him poking and prodding around on her belly and legs. At one point he giggled and said "mom, she's giving me a look of complete terror." He dropped some of her favorite, most frequently used words to see if she would talk to him.....nope. He asked her to locate her body parts and she wanted nothing to do with the game. But when he prompted her to wave and say "bye bye" she was more than willing to do that as he walked out the door. So there you have it....she dumped him with a cold shoulder and her finest "bye bye" wave. Cold, girl. Cold.

In between her terror and shyness around him we did actually have a good visit. Our growing girl has had some BIG changes since her 15 month checkup. She had jumped up into the 38th percentile in height which was a huge surprise to me. I'm glad to see those Gman and Papa Bill genes finally kicking in. McDreamy was pleased to see this jump as well but didn't take long to share the news that she had jumped up into the 85th percentile in weight. He said she's still a growing girl and we won't worry about it as long as she doesn't jump up any on the weight chart at her two year appointment. I asked what he meant by saying "we won't worry about it"....he mentioned the 'd' word. Diet. My baby needs some warm spring weather and some time spent running outdoors. That's all. ;) All systems checked out great and he gave her the seal of approval. The little lady got a sucker and a sticker as we checked out....

She was on cloud nine as we walked out of the office with her sticky treat. She was a free, liberated woman after all....

"That's the last time I'll let a man call me chunky"

As I left the doctor's office today with my nearly nineteen month old I probably looked like I'd just seen a ghost. I had just scheduled my baby girl's TWO YEAR checkup appointment for crying out loud!! Whoa. This is crazy stuff. I can still picture us as brand new parents waiting in the doctor's office the morning after our first night at home with her...looking like a couple of complete amateurs with red swollen eyes and a baby who had just given us a run for our money. She's still doing that same thing.....we've just gotten a little better at this parenting thing.

Since we only spent fifteen short minutes at McDreamy's office it left us with a lot of extra mommy/daughter shopping time. We hit up Party Galaxy to gather some bridal shower goodies, Kirkland's where we scored some perfect stuff for Hallie's bathroom at home, Ross where I found some good deals on summer clothes for Hal and finally to Garden Ridge where we found too much stuff again. Dang, that always happens. ;) Oh but wait....one more stop.....

You got that right!

Like mommy, like daughter.....

Me thinks she's a fan of smoothies

She was ready for some rest and down time in the car and made sure to tell me all about it while we were at our last shopping stop...

"Seriously mom. Dad is going to kill you. Let's just stop while we're ahead."

The ride home was not bad at all. This is a relative statement you must remember. So relatively speaking, we had a pleasant ride home....

We found a couple of shaved and traumatized canines upon arriving home.....

Wouldn't even make eye contact with me

Do I really need a caption...just look at that look she's giving me

I, for one, was feeling good by the end of the day. Despite a lot of driving and some not so content moments on Hallie's part, it's always a day to appreciate when your child gets another clean bill of health. So much to be thankful for....and very little time spent thanking God on my part. In fact, yesterday made me slap myself on the wrist for griping and complaining so much. I have a healthy baby girl. What more could I ask for?

Take your daughter to work day

So what's a mom to do when she is the last to pick up her daughter from daycare on an almost daily basis???

Take her with me. ;) Meme wasn't complaining a bit about her "mini therapist" on Thursday night when Hallie and I showed up for her therapy session. Last week at work was just plain unpleasant, stressful, frustrating, ever-changing, etc. Somehow the hours seem to get longer and longer and paperwork finds its way into my lap each night at home. I'll just continue to live for the weekends and crave that time I get to spend with my girl. But just like Meme, Hallie ain't complainin' either......

Move over park....Hal has found a new haven in the therapy gym!

She had me and the girls laughing as she piled up all the balls and eyed the huge balls that were out of her reach as well. She ran around in circles squealing with excitement and kept hollering out "Mama!!! Ball!!!! Mama!!!" as she ran towards another "toy" she spotted. She was none too thrilled when I told her that we had to get on the road....

Meme was thrilled to see her smiling girl when we arrived. Hallie made herself right at home after we spotted the slew of snacks that were waiting for her on the table. Strawberries, Nilla Wafers, Goldfish and chocolate milk....she was in heaven. After her snack my handy assistant made phone calls for me while I worked with Meme....

"Ok, so my mom will be at your house tomorrow morning at 9:00...ok?"

She was nothing short of professional and very knowledgeable in the use of Meme's walker and cane. She watched and learned.....

And played of course.....

And made more phone calls.....

Her ceramic "cat phone"....silly girl

She tested out Meme's exercise ball and tried to ride her pedal bike...she had to do something burn off all those snack calories after all. ;)

Will You Be My Valentine?

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

Our Valentine's Day was a lovey dovey mushy huggy kissy cuddly sweet kinda day.

Hallie and I had the sweetest Tuesday to date. She and I were up and at 'em early preparing a super top secret daddy/daughter breakfast date. But someone just couldn't wait that long for the meal to be prepared so my little love bug got a head start.....

We decorated her small table and brought it into the breakfast room. Hallie helped make her daddy a breakfast sandwich and coffee with a couple orange slices. He was genuinely surprised and didn't even notice the smell of eggs or coffee coming from the kitchen while he got ready for work. We are stealth I tell ya. ;) They looked adorable eating together.....

Hallie brought her Cheerios to the table but soon decided that she wanted in on what dad was eating....

Surprise surprise, Riley's phone started ringing so he went outside to take the work call.....

My busy Valentine

Hallie had a hard time being patient while she waited for her date to return.....

Never leave your breakfast unattended around this girl

"Don't mind if I do"

Riley headed off to work and Hallie and I dashed around the house getting ready for a busy morning. We had a mission: to spread a little LOVE around town! We had been buzzing around the kitchen the night before preparing special treats for the people we LOVE.

I bet you can guess who had a hard time understanding that we couldn't eat all of treats ourselves.....

"Why make cookies if you can't eat them all?!?!"

We were dressed and ready in her outfit from Aunt B. We had the car loaded up. We had smiles on our faces and Valentine's Day cheer in our hearts. But most importantly, we had our treats packaged and ready to deliver......

Even Riley's employees got some LOVE from Hallie and I......

Delivery #1: My coworkers. Hallie brought along a Valentine card and a pink heart shaped container full of cookies for my friends at work. She was a bit more concerned about the plethora of therapy balls around the gym. She made a beeline toward the weighted balls and started knocking them on the floor. Pulling her away from these made for a not so happy Valentine. The guys at work sure had fun watching me chase her though. ;)

Delivery #2: Aunt Katie! She was so surprised as Hal came around the corner at her office with her purple antennas on. Aunt Katie sat her treats on her desk and Hal spent the rest of our time there trying to sneak one off of the desk. Lol. I tried to get a picture of Hallie smiling but you can see what she had her mind on.....

Delivery #3: Papa! She was absolutely, positively thrilled to see him. In fact, I couldn't get her to let go of him once he had to say goodbye and get back to work. She said hello to several people in the bank and then we had to walk with Papa out to the car because my little helper was threatening a stage 5 meltdown because she didn't want to leave him. She loves her Papa.....

Delivery #4: Dada. We walked up to his office to find that he wasn't there. I'm the dummy who didn't notice that his car was missing from the parking lot. We called to find out that he had been visiting one of his clinics and was pulling back into the parking lot. We met him outside to hand over his treat. There are really no words needed for how her delivery to Riley went.....

Naptime??

Our delivery operation had been a huge success so far.....

She was already tired mid-morning but I reminded her that we had one more delivery to go........

Delivery #5: Nanny and Carmen. Hal had already left her Valentine gift for Carmen with Aunt Katie but she made sure to share the last plate of cookies with Nanny. She may have stolen a couple bites off of the plate. Nanny just so happened to have a gift for Hallie waiting on the table.....

She was enthralled by the dog with floppy ears that danced to "Baby" by Justin Beiber. Ok, to be honest, we all thought it was pretty entertaining.....

Tearing into her surprise

Dancing with her doggy

Carmen wanted in on the action and wore Hal's antennas for a bit while she watched cousin Hal shake her groove thang.....

"Those are some sweet moves"

Hallie stayed at Nanny's house for about an hour and a half while I went to see a patient. She had demolished the playroom by the time I returned to get her. Fun was had for sure! Me thinks that Nanny felt blessed to have both of her Valentine girls around yesterday. ;)

I picked up some lunch on the way home and Riley met us at the house to have a quick meal. Taco Factory...so romantic. Hehe. My big surprise for Hal yesterday was our cookie and milk date. We sat at her colorful table and sipped on some strawberry milk and munched on some cookies. Finally she was able to fully enjoy the treats she passed out that morning. My sweetheart....she was so adorable sitting so sweetly at the table having a snack with me.

This was definitely the highlight of the day for me. She thought she was hot stuff with her big girl milk. Can you say DIVA??

Tell me again how to say "no" to this face....

"Well worth the wait..."

I think it's safe to say that our milk/cookie date was her favorite part of the day too.....

"Mmmmmm, simply delightful"

I was pretty impressed with her daintiness as she sat there at the table for a good fifteen minutes. She was doing so well drinking from her milk and hadn't yet tried to tip it up like her sippy cup (this is usually why we can't give her big people cups because she ends up tipping it up and it ends up everywhere.) It was only a matter of time though....

"Just trying to share mom..."

She was none too pleased that Emmi was enjoying her pretty milk. Emmi received a few "no, no, no"s while she slurped up the spilled milk. Who cares about milk though when Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on though!?!?!?! Lil Miss posted up on the floor with her favorite cartoon and her zoo in front of her.

It took me the better part of the afternoon to figure out why you were not interested in a nap nor ready for a nap whatsoever. Duh mom! Sugar, sugar, sugar!!! A morning full of treats left me with one wired little tot. She stayed up until 2:15 before laying down for a nap...unheard of! While she napped I finished a special treat I'd been preparing to surprise Riley with when he got home. She took a pretty crummy nap but was a sweetheart upon waking despite the less than adequate rest. At least one person got some rest yesterday though....

"I'm dog tired"

She humored me and posed with Grizzo before we headed to the park.....

Aunt Bee came along with us on our trip in the wagon....

The weather was a bit chilly but not bad at all. We had a ball at the park. She insisted on wearing her frog boots and left me laughing while she stumbled around the playground in them. She didn't seem to mind that she looked like a drunk sailor. She was ALL smiles!!!!

 

Ridin' side saddle

I have to admit I was a little surprised when I looked up and my daughter was holding this.....

Violence on the playground. Holy Moses, I about peed my pants when I saw her holding a gun! ;)

She was preoccupied by the neighbors house with three barking dogs and couldn't get her mind off of heckling them so we loaded up and headed back home. For the first time since we moved in she finally got to explore the side of the house and played in the driveway for a bit....

"I've still got a lot of explorin' to do"

LOVE!

Miss Independent

We came inside to thaw out a bit and she played with her new toy and got rehydrated from her VDay cup from Gman while I started prepping for dinner....

I couldn't decide what to make for dinner but knew I needed to come up with something. After all, Riley ditched his romantic side years ago and I knew he wouldn't have any plans. What to do, what to do......a heart-shaped pizza it will be! Perfect to go along with the heart-shaped cake. Hallie had dinner and I thought it was high time she was able to delve into one last treat for the day. We broke out the cupcake from Gman that had been waiting in the fridge. I'll just let the pictures do the talking.... 

Cautious at first

Taking charge now

She owned that cupcake

After dinner and a bath I surprised Hallie with her gift. She can thank me later when she has something new to watch in the car. I loved this movie as a kid and I'm sure she will too.....

My other Valentine came waltzing through the door around 7:00. We were beginning to think that cupid had kidnapped him and was holding him hostage. He came home to lots of surprises waiting in the kitchen....

Happy Heart Day!

The best way to say "I LOVE YOU!"

And just in case his sweet tooth wasn't so sweet that night I had another surprise waiting on the counter...

My coffee addict will have a much more efficient coffee making experience from here on out....

Dinner was still cooling off when Aunt Katie stopped by to deliver a Valentine for Hallie. She was excited to see another dancing/singing animal to go along with her dancing doggy. I can tell you that she has already almost worn out the buttons on their feet that make them sing. Thanks Katie, Luke and Carmen!

Hallie Grace fell into a deep deep sugar coma pretty soon after that...of course after brushing her teeth good and giving lots of hugs and kisses. Nanny and Papa stopped by and made my night with a new charm for my Pandora bracelet. The "H" is my new one......

The Valentine's fun didn't end on Tuesday. Hallie had an adorable bucket full of cards and treats from her daycare friends in her hand when I picked her up from daycare today. She was so proud of it and lifted it up to show me. It brought such a smile to my face seeing the sweet little gifts from the kiddos. It's hard to believe that my daugther is old enough to be getting Valentines. And it's crazy hard to believe that it's been a whole year since our first heart day with Hallie Grace. As long as none of them are from boyfriends I guess it's okay. ;)

I hope your heart day was filled with as much love as ours was.

Violets are blue

Roses and red

"lub ew mama"

Hallie Grace said.